From the Archives of our Special Needs Journey: Denial and Anger were necessary stages of the grieving cycle for me. I couldn’t have avoided these stages and by allowing myself to feel the feelings, I was able to move past denial and anger.

Denial and anger are the first two stages of grief a person may feel when experiencing any type of significant loss. When parents discover their child has special needs, they experience a loss of what they expected and dreamed about when they thought of their future and that of their child’s. Not every parent will experience the stages in order and not every parent will experience every stage. Some stages overlap and some parents cycle in and out of several stages over the course of their lives.

Denial

I was definitely in denial at first. Every time the physical therapist said Kyle was not meeting milestones because he had hypotonia, I felt she was wrong. I knew that Kyle was in the 100^th percentile in height and weight and told the therapist that he couldn’t roll over or sit up properly because he was simply a big baby. The therapist was patient with me and continued to repeat the word “hypotonia” at each visit and sent us home with exercises to help Kyle. For weeks I denied what she said. But when I was 7 months pregnant with Kaylie and was using all of my strength to hold Kyle in a standing position while I watched the seconds tick by on the clock, I couldn’t deny it any longer.

Once I accepted the fact that he had hypotonia, it was easier to understand that it would take a lot of work and time before Kyle could crawl and then walk. Once I was no longer in denial, I was motivated to get the help we needed to provide necessary early intervention for Kyle’s hypotonia and growing list of special needs.

But before long, I was squeezing in way more than I could handle.

Besides working my full-time job as a teacher and taking care of the home and the kids, my calendar was overflowing with Early Intervention visits in my home, occupational therapy appointments at one children’s hospital branch, physical and speech therapy appointments at another branch, lab appointments for genetic testing, sleep-deprived EEG’s, hearing tests, feeding tests, and countless calls to the insurance company.

Anger

I was beginning to get tired and overwhelmed and it didn’t take long for me to move right into the second stage of grief: anger. When I was alone in my car, I would pray and then I would cry out in anger. I would cry so much that I could barely see in order to drive. The anger I felt made me slam my fist against the steering wheel until my hand stung in pain. I cried out to God and asked Him why this was happening and why Kyle had to endure all of this in his little life. Deep down, I knew bad things happened in this world but those things had never affected me on such a personal level.

I remember when I first opened up to my friend about my fears that Kyle had special needs, my wavering faith, and my broken heart about what was happening. I will never forget that conversation as we stood by our cars in the parking lot; she cried with me and she hurt with me and she agreed with me that this was not fair. What great relief I felt when someone agreed with me that this wasn’t right! She never once said in that first conversation that things would get better or that God had great plans and good would come from this. She knew that this was not what I was ready to hear at that time. And she was right.

I needed someone to just listen and let me cry about how hurt I was.

At the time of this conversation with my friend, I had yet to experience the other stages of grieving: bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But I would; and the depression would be the worst but the acceptance would be the stage that brought peace and joy back into my life.

The Present: Do I still feel anger at times? Absolutely; I am human, of course. But I don’t stay there long! Check out our happy moments on our YouTube Channel and meet Kyle!