On Our Toes a Lot
Kyle keeps us on our toes a lot. I’m often asked what daily life is like for us. Although I never expect others to understand what it’s like to live with a child who has special needs, I really appreciate when people ask and genuinely care about my answer.
It’s difficult, though, to summarize daily life into a sentence or two. I sometimes will tell those who ask that even though Kyle is 15 years old, I feel like our family is stuck in the “toddler stage” and we’re “on our toes a lot.”
I’ve heard so many times to not wish the infant, the toddler, or the “fill in the blank” stage away because our kids will be graduated and moving out before we know it. And those who have already raised their children tell me to soak up each stage because, “this, too, shall pass.”
The diaper stage?
The “child proof” home?
The crying stage?
The rely-on-you-for-every-single-thing stage?
One answer: “This, too, shall pass.”
I’ve always liked that phrase because it’s comforting in a sense. It reminds me to look at what I’m going through with a different perspective and know that I won’t be stuck there forever. But what happens when these particular stages don’t pass? The majority of them have not passed for our family and I wonder if they ever will.
As I thought about Kyle keeping me on my toes a lot, I was reminded of a song that my husband sings to me.
Jesse is the singer in our family and will often capture a moment we’re experiencing by singing a song. We’re big fans of Toby Keith and one of his songs, Heart to Heart, is about a father describing the relationship that his wife has with their son.
He repeats that the son “keeps her on her toes a lot.” When Jesse sings that line, I smile.
And then he’ll sing these lines, and I’ll cry:
He’ll grow to be six foot three
Yeah, he’s gonna be just like me
He’ll be tall and play football
But he’ll always be a momma’s boy
Those words are bittersweet because fathers hope their sons grow up to be like them in certain ways. Jesse is tall and Kyle will be, too. But Jesse played football and softball; he lifts weights and sings; he is a husband and a father of two. And we know that Kyle won’t follow in Jesse’s footsteps in so many areas. We have had to adjust our expectations and our dreams and focus on the most important part of our life with Kyle: our relationship with him.
Side by side and hand in hand
She’ll talk with daddy’s little man
He knows that she’s done her part
I’m watching God’s love grow heart to heart
So, what’s it like being stuck in the toddler stage when your child is 15 years old? It’s a lot of work and, at times, stressful, frustrating, tiring, and upsetting.
Basically, you’re on your toes a lot.
But then Jesse sings my favorite line of the song:
When he laughs, she’ll grin from ear to ear
Do you remember what it feels like to have a toddler climb into your lap to cuddle? Do you recall his laughter when he’s being bounced on your knee during “trot, trot horsey?” Do you remember his countless slobbery kisses and how he begged to be tickled? Do you remember the delight your toddler had over even the simplest little things? What about holding his hand while both of you walked together?
I still get to experience all of that on a daily basis. Being stuck in the toddler stage is not my ideal, but if it means I get to hold on to those other moments, then that’s okay with me.
